Friends

I was wondering what it would be like to have a female best friend… I have not had one in many years for many reasons.

The females I was associated with were always in competition with one another. Don’t get me wrong, when I was young I was one of those girls. But as I grew into a woman I stopped all of that because I was finding what my likes were and I wasn’t trying to be on everyone’s bandwagon.

I’ve had two female best friends at one point. Both of the females betrayed me more than you could imagine and it was more than once. I could not understand how someone you called a “friend” could do such a thing.

A message to you two:

How could you go behind my back and keep it from me? How could you do so wrong to me? How could you feel comfortable sitting in my bed after sleeping with my boyfriend in his? The same bed I would sleep in on the weekends. JUST HOW COULD SOMEONE BE SO COMFORTABLE? How could you smile in my face like you weren’t just talking about me?How did you feel? You must have felt it was okay as you continued to do such a thing.

See as I write this, I am not angry nor am I sad. I was then for many years. Because of what you both did I lost myself. I lost loving me. I lost having confidence. I lost having trust. I lost feeling comfortable in a room where other females were.

Was I wrong that I did not want to be friends with you two anymore, but allowed him back into my life? How did I hate you for doing that, but still loved him after all that he did to me?

I woke up everyday with pain in my heart and on my brain. I never felt pretty enough for him. I never felt I was good enough for him. I never thought I was the one for him. I fucking fought for him to give me attention and for him to want me. I fucking fought for him and me to work out.

I am so happy that I am at peace with that past and have moved on from that. I am so happy that I can talk about this. I do not forgive you for you, I forgive you for me. I cannot hold that pain in my heart. I cannot hold onto it anymore because it was doing nothing for me, but making me feel depressed. SO I forgave and let go.

I stopped trusting “friends” and pushed a lot of people away. I put a wall up and have been behind it. I am breaking the wall down slowly as I grow and blossom.

I would love to have a female best friend. The only best friend I have is him. He knows me more than anyone. He knows EVERYTHING about me.

I would love to have a female friend who would come with me to get mani pedis, meet me at lunch on Saturday afternoon, come over as we kick my man out so we can have the romantic movies on tv with junk food and wine. Also someone who gives me my needed space. Someone I can help grow. Someone who can help me grow.

Don’t get me wrong I do have female friends, but I do not have that CLOSE friend. The one who is a l  w a y s down if they can! I do not like half ass people.

I am the type of friend who brings you flowers just because.

I know one day the Universe will bring me a true beautiful friend. 

 

May 5, 2017
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